I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
