I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
