When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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