is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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