My first STD was from a foam party
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
