Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is my gift to your gina
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
