it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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