You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
