dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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