I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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