just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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