Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
