somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
