I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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