Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
