I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
