I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
