I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
