I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize