Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
