What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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