My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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