So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
