It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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