i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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