Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
