Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
