My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dear god my vagina.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
