Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
