she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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