There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
