did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
