if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
