It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I forgot wine drunk hurts
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
