There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
