She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
