I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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