I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
