I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
