At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
