My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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