I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
