You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
