I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
