Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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