I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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