her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm like, not good at living.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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