I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
