I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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