Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
