i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
