I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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