Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
