And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
