Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
what day is it and did you see me today?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
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