I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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