My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
