Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
