I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
