are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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