Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
