I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
