ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
